Great Jokes Still Sound The Same






MONDAY: Preparation
Spend today preparing, considering, and bracing yourself for tomorrow's show. You might like to start work on your home-made signs, and start sending a few casual prayers Nikki's way.

TUESDAY: SHOW DAY

Early Morning:1. Make sure you've had plenty of sleep the night before. Start the day with a hearty breakfast.
2. Program/Load your walkman/iPod/discman/computer/stereo with the 'Nikki Inspirational Dance-Mix'
RECOMMENDED:

  • Let's Dance
  • I Wanna Dance With Somebody
  • Don't Give Up
  • You Make Me Feel Like Dancing
  • The Beat Of Life
  • This Is How We Do It
  • Dancing In The Street
    LISTEN THROUGHOUT THE DAY ON CONSTANT REPEAT.

    Late Morning: By now you will be experiencing some strong feelings of excitement and anticipation. Channel your energy into completing your "Go Nikki" signs, leaving Nikki a message of support, or outlining your Noise Next Door Style Nikki novel.

    Midday: Break for lunch, and prayers.

    Early Afternoon: After quiet prayers, make your way down to your local Church of Cameron to make an offering:



    (He used to like The Darkness CDs, but these days Scissor Sisters albums may be more effective.)
    Ask that Nikki have a safe, peaceful and prosperous dance this evening. And for an horrible accident to befall Holly Brisley.

    Late Afternoon: Quit school/work/other EARLY, and return home to complete the day's preparations. Decorating the house will of course be a top priority. Put the TV onto Channel 7 and DO NOT CHANGE IT. YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUl. (Anyway, the Big Arvo will be on around this time and you will enjoy that.)

    5:30 - 6:00 As you will Deal Or No Deal!

    Dinner: Something healthy and nutritious is a must here. You need to be at your very best for viewing time. Of course, it's a very strong possibility that you will be too excited to eat, but try.

    7:00 - 7:30 It will seem like Home & Away is taking an eternity to finish, but any time Bec Cartright is on screen, try to channel her energy and winning spirit into Nikki. Concentrate very hard and you can achieve this.

    7:30 SHOW TIME


    9:00 God willing, Nikki has not been voted out. But she HAS delivered a great dance, and now the hard work really begins. Retreat to bed.


    WEDNESDAY: The Aftermath

    Discuss/dissect the various aspects of the previous night's performance - the dress, the hair, the dance, the magic. You'll be too dazzled to do much else, but make sure you begin VOTING.


    THURSDAY: The Holy Day

    Pray, pray, pray. And read HiT. (And vote!)


    FRIDAY: Promotion

    We're heading towards the weekend, but make sure the foremost thing in everyone's mind is voting for Nikki Webster in Dancing With The Stars! Make posters, and put them up! STOP AT NOTHING TO GET THE VOTES!

    SATURDAY & SUNDAY:

    This is the time to forget the competition for a while, and to just enjoy Nikki as she is meant to be enjoyed. Listen to her music, and just relax and have a great time.

    MONDAY: Time to start all over again!


  • Newsflash!:

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    We interupt Extreme Nikki Webster Appreciation Mania to bring you this important message...:

    Hey, look! It's Aliciijaj from Polish Idol! And she's brought a beautiful blue cake!



    Happy Birthday The Pop!

    Here's to another year of high-larious mix ups, naughty squirrels and very important debates before you all bugger off to Europe!


    Nikki Video Review - 24/7 (Crazy 'Bout Your Smile)

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    First of all, is 24/7 (Crazy 'Bout Your Smile) the best song title EVER? It literally has it all, doesn't it.

    But on to the video.



    This video starts off all Baby One More Time, as Nikki and "classmates" wait impatiently for the bell to ring. And once it is school's out time, as you can see from the photo below, Nikki retreats to the corridor for some locker-leaning and lip-syncing:



    And look at that sign posted up VERY conveniently besides her head. It's literally spelling out to us in black and orange what the theme of this video is - a dance off!

    Nikki is part of the Divas, who's dance basically involves them doing THIS:



    And, yet, they win. (With scores of 10, 9, 10. Hahahahahaha)

    Anyway, it's all very foreshadowy, of Nikki's "Dancing With The Stars" experience. And she's dancing a lot less spastically these days, so let's see her get scores like that this week, JUDGES.


    Tie My Hands Behind My Back...:

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    As much as I agree with her choice of song, that outfit on someone who is - and always will be - about four years old is, frankly, wrong.


    Some Lists

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    Top 3 Songs Entitled "Let's Dance":



    1. Let's Dance - Nikki Webster
    2. Let's Dance - 5ive
    3. Let's Dance - David Bowie


    Top 5 Reality TV Stars Ever:

    1. Nikki Webster - Dancing With The Stars
    2. Sara-Marie - Big Brother 1
    3. Sara-Marie - Celebrity Big Brother
    4. Sara-Marie - Dancing With The Stars
    5. Chanel Cole - Australian Idol


    Meanwhile, please say hello to our new supporters, who have broken down on Freeway Nine!



    QUESTION:

    To which Madonna song did Nikki cavort to last Tuesday evening?

    Was it:

    a)Into The Groove
    b)Vogue
    c)Music
    d)Hanky Panky



    The answer of course is d) Hanky Panky.

    Michael, you'd HAVE to approve.

    It was really an all new Nikki high. Jive dancing to Hanky Panky, whilst wearing the most ridiculous wig this side of Ben Affleck's head.

    And brilliantly, she was judges "pick". We fear, however, that she was viewer's "most hated". Therefore she needs all the votes she can get, so we can witness some more of her excellent song choices, and comedy hair pieces.


    TWINS

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    LOOK!:



    Us and Fop are twins! Nikki Webster Twins.

    To get a heads up in the competitive Liz-O-Vations business, Joel has come out with a brilliant 2 For 1 offer - Just find another blog who wants to look EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU, and Joel will do it half price!

    Most importantly though - the Nikki Webster To Win "Dancing With The Stars" Campaign starts right here, right now.


    Sour Kisses:

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    Since the Nikki Webster rally is, as they say, ON, I thought it might be nice if I lend my support to the campaign and confess to being a big fan of 'Strawberry Kisses', her only notable release in the UK...

    I can remember both Smash Hits and Top of the Pops magazine - back in the day - running full-page features on Nikki Webster, and how she was going to be The Next Big Thing, the saviour of modern pop music, and, in many ways, the earth itself.

    She wasn't, of course, because she was only about three years old, and nobody buys records by three year olds because people accuse them of being A Bit Funny when they get to the counter to pay for them (as I soon discovered, upon becoming an avid supporter of SClubate), and it was pointed out on numerous occassions that the term 'Strawberry Kisses' was actually a euphemism for that time of the month, which soured the whole affair for everyone involved.

    But she's blonde, and she sings pop music, and she harbours an excessive amount of pink in her wardbrobe, which bleeds onto the typefacing used on the cover of her CDs, so I'm bound to become her biggest fan.

    I'd even be willing to ignore the fact that she's covered 'Dancing in the Street' (ie. the worst song EVER written).


    "She's Dancing In Chicago Channel 7 Studios"

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    Fop yesterday identified my extreme liking for a bit of Nikki Webster, and given her current status as public enemy number one, we'd like to announce the joint Nikki Webster rally ON.

    First of all, I'd like to fully come out. I've never admitted quite HOW much I love her, mostly because Cameron detests her.



    My Nikki Webster Collection:

    Albums:
    Follow Your Heart
    Bliss - Bonus 2 disc edition

    Singles:
    Strawberry Kisses
    Depend On Me
    Something More Beautiful
    Dancing In The Street

    My favourite track of hers is Dancing In The Street - Movin' Drivin' Shakin' Remix. It's brilliant.

    Anyway. This is ONLY the beginning, as Debra Conway once said. It's Nikki time!


    Forgive Me Father

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    ARGH! Cameron didn't review The Athletes, but he DID review the Doves album, and he said it is excellent. I DID make the wrong choice. Nooooooooooooooooo.

    This is awful. Do you have any idea what it feels like to know you have made a terrible, terrible mistake, and know that you are going straight to hell? I'd better go say my prayers.


    The C Factor...?:

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    Well, frankly, I - Michael Without A C At The Start Of His Name - am hurt.

    Surely someone who likes The U2 Single and appreciates the work of Athlete (we'll ignore 'El Salvador' and 'You Got The Style', both of which were thoroughly excellent, and both of which I've heard on my travels today) is in no position to judge 'talent'...?

    My money's on Claire Flynn Boyle.

    Starting Tomorrow...

    Or, at least, when I can work out quite how it will work...



    You have been warned.


    Athlete "Tourist" - Complete Review

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    We'll have to wait till tomorrow for the full C Factor episode on Athlete. Even though I already know MY opinion, and I can guess what Chris's is, what with Mr Pott's ripping him off in two areas of business, we won't know Cameron's till tomorrow.

    But for now it's time for the full, all inclusive album review.

    We'll start with The Sticker On The Front.

    First of all, it's red, which I like. Very eye-catching.

    It says, however, "One of the most exciting British bands in years". As this is not attributed to anyone, I can only assume it's a product of the sticker-makers overactive imagination or severe misunderstanding of the word 'exciting'. Even the guy who served me at the music store warned me it was a bit "slow going" and tried to get me to buy The Doves instead (Should I have?)

    Then again... "in recent years" some of the biggest British bands have been Coldplay, Snow Patrol and Keane, so "one of the most exciting" might not be that far off the mark.

    Right, The Cover Photo

    DO YOU KNOW? Until I just examined it now, I really had no idea what that was. But I think (and I could possibly be wrong), that it's the remains of a smashed up car? What would the Neighbours (and by that I mean Stu) say? He'd say that was bloody reckless, and admonish the 'Letes for encouraging this sort of behaviour. Driving, metaphorically and literally, is a privilege, not a right. Anyway, I guess the link here is that the album is called 'Tourist'. Oooh....maybe it's a plane. I wish it was a bit more obvious.

    The Font

    If you've ever read my Liz, you'll know how I feel about fonts (passionately). Athlete have chosen a very minimal and fairly generic font to use on the front and tracklisting, and I actually approve. Afterall, it suits them.


    THE SONGS:

    1. Chances

    "Like the poster of Berlin on my wall,
    Maybe there's a chance our walls might fall."

    Do you know how multi-contextual and layered those two lines are? You could get an entire Media Studies essay out of it. IE:

  • Does he mean the band, or the city? (?)
  • There are three 'Walls' being referenced here: They are, The Bedroom Wall, The Berlin Wall, and the Metaphorical Wall Of Communication.
  • Mixing history, pop culture, and inter-personal relationships within TWO lines. Joel, you BLOODY genius. Is there nothing you can't tackle.

    Meanwhile, the song sounds a bit Radiohead.



    2. Half Light

    This is probably the most "rock and roll" song on the album. IE, it's still practically a ballad. Now, if you THINK this one sounds a bit like Blur (which you most certainly WILL), wait for:


    3. Tourist

    The Athlete's have LITERALLY stolen this from Blur's Think Tank. That is all I have to say.


    4. Trading Air

    I'm just at this stage hoping that Joel Pott isn't thinking about hosting a TV show from a harbour. I'm feeling a bit protective about my celebrity pal's business enterprises lately. Anyway, before I bought this album, I was just expecting a Coldplay tribute album. But it's actually much more Blur or Radiohead. This song sounds a bit like "No Surprises".


    5. Wires.

    SONG OF THE YEAR.

    Now, I personally love my habit of having a new favourite song every three or four days - it's great fun for me. And most of them come and go quite quickly. But this one, I can actually see still being the fave of the year on December 31st, 2005. It's just RIGHT up my ally. It's:

  • The Scientist
  • Run
  • Somewhere Only We Know
  • Karma Police
  • Live Forever

    COMBINED. It's just excellent.


    6. If I Found Out

    I really like this song, it's a bit summery and jaunty.


    7. Yesterday Threw Everything At Me

    Oooh, it's a bit Oasis! Not good Oasis mind, but it's at least up to "Talk Tonight" standards.


    8. Street Map

    Oh, thank GOD - there's a Pop Mechanics song. This is really good actually. It's a very sorrowful song, about not being at a street, but wanting to be at that street (Ramsay, presumably).


    9. Modern Mafia

    Guess who this sounds EXACTLY like? Super Furry Animals. That is VERY good news.


    10. Twenty Four Hours

    This is my second fave after wires. Probably because it sounds the most like Wires.


    11. I Love

    This is just an average ballad, except for the bit where they are playing Super Mario Brothers at the end.



    I don't know exactly what I think of this album. YESTERDAY, I loved it. But then I listened to it a few more times. I really like 5 songs on it, and that's enough I suppose. It's fairly good.


  • Premiering Soon...

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    Yes, as I hinted at in the post below, it's almost time for the premier of:



    It's where myself, Cameron Adams and Chris Martin (and possible guest judge Claire Flynn-Boyle) decide what is good and what isn't.

    The C Factor

    Starts: Late today, or early tomorrow

    Judges:

  • Crystal Gallagher-Starr
  • Cameron Adams
  • Chris Martin

    Premise: A cross between Telly Addicts and Noel's House Party. No, it's very much an Idol meets Apprentice type of deal.

    Contestants:
  • Athlete
  • Brian McFadden
  • Brandon Flowers
  • Lindsay Lohan
    (More TBA)

    And our former-Neighbours-star-as-host will of course be:


  • Not-quite-so-Classic Cameron

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    Seeing as I was sick when it was published, I never got to write about Cameron Adams Top 10 Albums Of 2004. But as I was flicking through some old HiTs yesterday (as I am apt to do) I found the list and thought I'd do a belated appraisal.

    This is his Top Ten of 2004. I will bold the ones I own, for 2 purposes, to be addressed shortly.

    1. Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
    2. The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free
    3. Keane - Hopes And Fears
    4. Morrissey - You Are The Quarry
    5. Eskimo Joe - A Song Is A City
    6. The Killers - Hot Fuss
    7. Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters
    8. Gwen Stefani - Love, Angel, Music, Baby
    9. The Cure - The Cure
    10. Delta Goodrem - Mistaken Identity

    The reason I own 7/10, is for two reasons:

    1. I buy what he says is good
    2. We have almost identical tastes.

    This bodes VERY well for our up-coming online reality show, which is to be unveiled shortly.

    Anyway, I LOVED Cam's top ten. He wasn't too cool to put Delta in, and Keane put in an excellent showing. THOUGH. I would have put them in this order:

    1. Gwen Stefani - L.A.M.B
    2. Keane - Hopes & Fears
    3. The Killers - Hot Fuss
    4. Delta Goodrem - Mistaken Identity
    5. Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters
    6. Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
    .
    .
    .
    700, 000. The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free

    (I really wish I hadn't bought that one)

    It makes me so happy we are almost in agreeance though.


    Yeah, She's Driving Me Mad:

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    Whilst my boyfriend is out for the afternoon, and I have the flat to myself, I thought I'd take it upon myself to, ahem, peruse the fanfiction section on Gareth Gates's messageboard.

    It's frighteningly good stuff.

    gareth and sue have known each other 4 a very long time gareth is going married to his girlfriend hay. one nite the two of them r home aolne they juat had a fight . U KNOW WHAT GARETH GO OFF WITH ALL UR FRIENDS AND CHAT UP ALL THE GIRLS IF U LIKE. fine i think i will. so gareth gets in his cae and drives to the pub down the road he goes in and sees will his best mate. hay gaz oh what happend with hay dont tell me u to had a anthor fight. yeah shes driving me mad. well this stuff happnes what was that fight about. oh u know she doest like when girls come to my house. what who came to ur house. sue. oh gaz do u like her. dam yeah. gareth ur going to b a married man. so sues hot. will do u know were sues lives. gareth dont do this. why not i need a liitle fun. me and hay havent slept together in 2 mounths. yeah but dont go cheating on her. am not i just wanna go and c sue and talk mabye she can help me. ok gaz i will give u her addreees. thanks after that gaz got in his car.he was very nevers he really liked sue and mabye something would happen. they had met at a party and sue seemed to him.

    Click here for the rivetting climax.

    It's better than Neighbours.


    Don't Worry:

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    Our new sidebar really did bring a tear to my eye - nice work, Mr. Potts!

    Crystal needn't get her daggies in a twist - I'm committed to the cause, even if I haven't had a lot to say of late, what with pop slowly recovering from the post-Christmas downslide and Neighbours having hit a slump.

    You can rest assured I'll be on top form once we get the Stu Goes Blind storyline in 28 days time.

    Big In Japan:

    In the spirit of The Love Pavilion's jaunty retro vibe, I thought I'd catch up with our patron saint, and find out what he'd been up to since we saw him last.



    Evidently, with the exception of fannying about with his webcam and posting pictures of himself devouring various sugary snacks(and baring a striking resemblance to Pete Doherty, might I add), not a lot has happened with our Gareth since his last album bombed, spectacularly he went underground, although he appears to be doing well for himself in Asia, where he performs his hits at least twice a week.

    Not content with being palmed off with rejoice over Go Your Own Way going gold in South Africa, I got my Nancy Drew on and signed up to the official forums to find out that 'Gaz' has appeared on Channel 5 and in Sneak magazine, and, more importantly, 'Christmas And I'm Home' - as he lit up his hometown at the Bradford Christmas light's switch-on ceremony last year, and unvieled that he has in fact been writing and recording with none other than Judy Tzuke!

    I, for one, am very, very excited to hear the outcome of this.


    Thanks Joel, Again

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    Joel sure has been busy! Two L-O-Vs in two days!

    I'm sorry about my little tantrum before, and promises/threats of a New Love Pavilion. (Though Film Review might stay).

    After a jolly good time browsing through my old Photobucket account, I remembered all the fun we used to have! Top Secret Oasis Week! That was so awesome. I had to put the old logo up for it. Also, I LOVE the new sidebar. It almost brings a tear to my eye.


    GUESS WHAT I GOT!

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    The Athlete album!

    Full, detailed and thorough review later. (Though, wouldn't it be hilarious if I hated it?)

    ALSO! I saw the album by Girl TV! Man, I want to buy it.


    FILM REVIEW - "The Final Cut"

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    (See post below for why this is going on)



    Ironically enough, for a film entitled "The Final Cut", which is about people who cut film, I think this movie was severely edited. It only went for 70 minutes, and ended, you might say, rather "abruptly". You know how sometimes a movie ends really suddenly, and you say out loud 'You've got to be kidding me?', or 'what the fuck?' It's definitely one of those.

    I had little, to no, idea what was actually going down in this film. It didn't help that I missed the most important 2 minutes while I was up getting a KitKat and no one would explain to me what I had missed, beyond 'he just did some bad stuff'. So I just sat there trying to make the best sense I could. At ONE point though, I guessed EXACTLY what was about to happen next (before it did!) and damn it I was pleased with myself.

    Anyway - THE STORY:

    It started out with an extremely interesting premise - sometime in The Future, there's a chip available that you can have implanted in your brain that records your entire life on film.

    Personally, I would NEVER EVER EVER want one of those in MY brain, and that's the case with a lot of characters in the film. So I thought, you know, this could go somewhere. Except, IT DOESN'T. It goes, literally, nowhere. If Stu could still see, he would note that it didn't even leave the driveway.

    The film centers around the main character Alan, played by Robin Williams, who is a "cutter" - someone who edits a persons life film after they die. That would be a gross and horrible job, and indeed, Alan sees some pretty terrible stuff that people commit over the course of a lifetime. At this point, it's still interesting. But then, it just STOPS.

    The tedious back story is that when he was a kid, Alan thinks he was responsible for another kid's death. In becoming a 'cutter', he thinks that by cutting the bad stuff out of OTHERS lives, that...he is somehow redeeming himself. I guess. That was NOT made completely clear. Also, he has a gross love affair with Mira Sorvino, which was worse than the time Susan kissed Lou (note: stop putting Neighbours references in this.)

    Anyway, turns out that old Al has one of the chips in HIS head. Oh dear. That is not allowed. Blah blah, he gets shot. (That's the end - perhaps I should have spoilered it.)

    I could literally sit here till the end of time contemplating WHY it ended like that. I'm sure it was those 2 minutes I missed. Apparently there were Bad Guys after him, but I didn't know why, or what they wanted. Some other persons film, I think. (But, WHY?)

    It was very disappointing, because like I said, it had a good idea. It would be bloody rubbish if, after you die, someone could watch your entire life back. Would YOU want that? I definitely wouldn't think so. If it had just explored that angle more it would have been better. But it went a bit political, and like George Michael said, no one's interested in that these days.


    That Is IT

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    I am taking comments off for good, because it's just ridiculous.

    Also, if I am the only one reading, writing (do I have to send detective Stu for you Michael?) and CARING, then I'm just going to write exactly what I want from this point forwards.


    Old Feeling, New Beginning

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    Seeing as my favourite new band and song at the moment are Athlete and "Wires", I thought I'd do a little poking around into lead singer's Joel Pott's other business pursuits.

    And lo and behold, would you believe it! He owns his very own Liz-O-Vations company!:



    At the risk of offending Chris, I thought we'd give Joel a go. When he popped round to do a "quote", we got to chatting, and I discovered that Joel's two most favourite things are:

    a) Geri Halliwell
    b) The color grey

    Thus, I "commissioned" a Look At Me L-O-V. And I'm pleased to say that Joel has "delivered the goods!" It's not QUITE up to Chris's standards, but it's getting there. Thanks Joel!


    *New Segment* - "CLASSIC CAMERON!"

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    Every day for the rest of the week I have a special surprise for you!! - A classic Cameron review from the Olden Days!

    This first one is from his days at Beat magazine, or as I like to call it "The Old Testament". It's from 1993, and is a review of Rob Clarkson's 'Off Your Faith' album (Who?, and What?!)

    'Off Your Faith' Review
    By Cameron Adams, Beat Magazine, June 1993




    'Forget Rik, Rob Clarkson is the new people's poet. This man does for words what Sally Jessy Raphael does for people visited by unfriendly ghosts. And he writes good tunes too.

    Rob writes about life, love and Uncanny X-Men. He also writes about phlegm, South Yarra, MTV, diaphragms, Lan Choo Tea, Hitler, nightclub bouncers, Telecom, speed, Joe Orton and bursting bladders. He is kind of like a 90's version of Skyhooks, except not crap.

    Rob has a healthy interest in life, and not just his own. He is obviously a square-eyed TV fiend and a practicing lyrical voyeur, soaking up situations for inspiration. When it comes to his own affairs, whether it is his foot or someone elses tongue in his mouth, he lets you know without fail. All of which means word of Rob rings true, he is never pretentious or oblique like modern poetry can be.

    And he is a comedian in the same way that Henry Rollins in story-telling mode is. Rob weaves jokes into his songs for light relief (Fools Fall Down) or just comic value (Didn't I See You In?), roller blading on that line between clever-funny and clever-smart-arse. If you think rap is word-heavy, try Rob on for size. He fills up every space with his urban pearls of wisdom, and you will love him for it. Rob not only prints the lyrics here, but amends them and justifies himself with the benefit of hindsight.

    The Billy Bragg connection is obvious, just by virtue of arming himself with little else but a guitar and some words, but for the moment Rob's politics are of the personal variety. Musically, Off Your Faith takes the simple acoustic splendour of the Beautiful Girls and Beautiful Boys EP and supplements it with some well-placed guest musicians and voices.

    Helping out are Mark Wallace (Weddings Parties Anything) with his trademark piano accordion on I'm Not Sleeping(very well at all), making Rob sound like he's fronting the Weddoes. Whose Son, John gets the full band treatment, and Tlot Tlot provide a Pet Shop Boysation of live favourite and classic-to-be The Sphinx, The Parthenon and Me proving that Rob is no luddite. He even samples the Benny Hill Show theme on the sobering Fools Fall Down.

    Yet, as songs like The Human Equivalent of Penicillin resoundingly prove, Rob needs nothing but a few chords and the truth to entertain. Let Off Your Faith be your friend, listen to it, take care of it, take it to parties and you will find yourself submitting to the powerful force that is Mr Rob Clarkson before too long at all.' (8/10)



    Look, I admit I have NO idea who he's reviewing, or what he's talking about half the time there, but that WAS an excellent review. And it's 12 years old! Cam has had the talent for ages. Plus - 8/10 - that's 4 Stars in the new language! If I ever find this album, I will be buying it.

    After all:

  • He's pop music's answer to Sally Jesse Raphael!
  • He is (kind of!) like a 90's version of Skyhooks!
  • The Billy Bragg connection is obvious! (Of course!)

    More of these still to come!


  • NEW Best Song Of The Year

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    Athlete - Wires


    Film Clips That Annoy Me

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    1. Ashlee Simpson - La La

    First of all, Ashlee's "dancing" in this is extremely distracting. It's so damn bizarre. Then there's her hideous skate "get-up", and the fact that despite being MY AGE, she's acting like a retarded 15 year old.

    But most of all - It is NOT funny to throw a drink at someone riding a bike to make them fall off it.

    I can't tell you how much that bit annoys me.

    a) What a waste of a drink
    b) It is in no way as HILARIOUS as Ashlee and her fake video pals make out it is
    c) That would hurt. Gees, Ashlee.




    2. Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone

    You know...just because your boyfriend left you for another girl, it's no reason to break into their apartment and cause thousands of dollars worth of damage. The more I see this clip, the more annoyed I am with this 'moral'. I especially hate the bit where she cuts all the new girlfriend's dress straps. What a BITCH.

    I seriously hope she was arrested and charged for destruction.

    (I KNOW it's not real. But...in the alternative Video Universe, I hope justice was served)




    3. Brian & Delta - Almost Here

    I know I've mentioned this before, but one week on, I STILL don't understand how this "Especially For You" style escapade went on. I mean, even if they were dumb enough to arrange to meet at a crowded airport without agreeing on a SPECIFIC SPOT, then why didn't one at least give the other a call on their mobile, to check out where they were? SIGH.

    Oh, also, Brian - nice manbag.




    Destiny's Child - Soldier

    It's not so much the clip, as Rage's handling of it. They've censored the line:

    'Know how to carry big things, if you know what I mean'

    Yes, I DO know what they mean. But what - Rage are censoring vague insinuations now? Ridiculous.


    Brian-O-Vations...?:

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    Before her Ladyship does anything rash, I can only suggest she awaits Cameron's verdict of approaches, objectively, Bryan's second single, 'Irish Son'.

    It puts 'Melt' to shame in terms of dire solo outings from once-world conquering pop bands.


    That's What's Real To Me

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    So...I purchased a copy of THIS today...



    You just have no idea how Cameron gets into my head. I Couldn't. Stop. Thinking. About. It, until it got too much and I had to go buy a copy.

    Anyway, I've decided I absolutely LOVE this song. No, I do...it's totally my own opinion, and unaffected by anything or anyone else. I've come to this conclusion 100% by myself.

    If anyone else was watching Video Hits this past Sunday though, you would have heard Stupid Axle, say THIS about it:

    "I don't rate this track at all. I think he's the UK's answer to Millsy".

    And that totally brainwashed me into thinking I hated it. Thank GOD (literally) that it's actually OK to love it.

    (PS - I think we're having a Brian-O-Vation soon!)


    No, Really...:

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    I actually actively like Mel C's new song.

    Why? Because it takes everything that was vaguely exciting about the singles from her first album (let's face it, I think even she's trying to pretend Reason never happened) and doubles it. WOMP must have had a hand in Beautiful Intentions (which would make a fabulous title, if you were naming a twelve year old girl's LiveJournal, not if you were an ex-Spice Girl pretending to be Alanis Morissette).

    Top Five Reasons (Ha!) Why 'Next Best Superstar' Is The Best Thing Mel C's Ever Done Except 'Never Be The Same Again', 'I Turn To You' Or 'Suddenly Monday':

    • The gimmick for 'Goin' Down' was, obviously, Mel C's Surprising New Direction (Which Isn't All That Surprising At All, Really, Because She's A Big Fat Nu-metal-loving Lesbian And There's Nothing On The Album That Sounds Anything Like It, Anyway). 'Next Best Superstar' features a Surprising New Direction, ie. Good.
    • The gimmick for 'Northern Star' was The Lyrics Are In Third Person But Actually It's About Mel C Because She's 'Subversive' Like That, just like the lyrics to 'Next Best Superstar'. Only Mel C could sing, 'And you know you can sing' when referring to herself.
    • The Unique Selling Point for 'Never Be The Same Again' was Left Eye's On It. For obvious reason's (ie. she's dead) Left Eye doesn't make an appearance on 'Next Best Superstar', but you know she's there in spirit. Perhaps literally.
    • The gimmick for 'I Turn To You' was Wow! It's Mel C! But You Can Dance To It! But, Hang On, It's Still Got A 'Message'! Just like 'Next Best Superstar'!
    • And the much-maligned dodgy lyrics of 'If That Were Me' (ie. the worst selling single by a Spice Girl ever - even Mel B managed to get into the top ten) are all over this new effort.

    Okay, so she might be more evil than Hitler, Attila The Hun and Charlie from Busted combined, but it's the best thing she's ever released that wasn't good because someone else reworked them for her (ie. Left Eye or The Hex-Factor or whoever it was that remixed 'I Turn To You') - I'm backing her all the way.


    HiT

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    Well...yeah. Cameron is SO easy, I swear.

    All you have to do to get his approval, it would seem, is leave a boyband. It really does appear to be that simple. He always seems so utterly impressed by this amazing act that you will be in his good books forever.

    It's happened many times before, with Robbie, Abs, Justin - even Ronan (Freaking) Keating. Beforehand, they were in boybands Cameron liked, but always seemed a bit guilty about doing so. Afterwards though,:

  • Abs was 'criminally underrated' after we as Australians let one of the 'singles of the year' in What You Got flop.

  • Ronan become affectionately known as 'Ro', commended for his debut album and praised for 'Life Is A Rollercoaster'. Though he did 'undo all his good work' with If Tomorrow Never Comes. Don't worry though, Cam still has a soft spot for him

  • Justin went solo, and unleashed a year long Love-Feast within the pages of HiT. He made 'pop music as vital as oxygen', was 'the only popstar worth bothering with', ('why doesn't everyone else just give up?'), and apparently ALERTED Nsync fans that they 'weren't in Kansas' anymore, following the release of Justified.

  • Robbie become the ultimate 5 Star Hero. The 'World's Greatest Popstar'. Though Cam loved him years before the rest of us, 'Australia' 'finally found some taste' when Better Man went top 20 in 2001.
    Cam even thought the Swing album was top stuff. 5 Stars for 'I Will Talk And Hollywood Will Listen'? - Yes thanks!


    The common thing with all these examples, was that there was always a vibe coming off the pages of HiT of Cameron being...IMPRESSED. Really, really impressed. In awe. Amazed. Shocked and delighted. I don't know quite what it is with him and ex-boyband members. But he just loves them.

    And yet. YET. I never thought I'd see the day a Westlifer was on the cover of HiT. The band who sent the world to 'hell in a handbasket'? The NO STAR wonders? The worst band ever??

    Apparently this has all been forgiven though. Now that Brian is an amazing solo star, he is Cameron's new most favourite popstar ever.

    A cover story, feature article, great single review - he got the full treatment. It was Extreme Brian McFadden Appreciation Mania. Did you know that his lyrics are 'painfully honest'? That his new single is a 'great ballad'? That he DEFINITELY DID NOT LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR DELTA THEY WERE ALREADY BROKEN UP, HAVE I ALREADY MENTIONED THAT 3 TIMES IN ONE PARAGRAPH WELL YOU CAN NEVER HEAR IT ENOUGH.

    The last part was probably just as much for his sweetheart Delta's benefit, but it was also because Cam has caught the Brian love in a severe way.


    I mean, Cameron, really. You ARE a touch overexcitable. It's ok, I am too. But at least my views are contained to a VERY small audience.

    Oh, also - Scissor Sisters were in the 'Hot' section. I know, I'm shocked by this too. What next, KYLIE ON THE COVER?


  • Here She Comes Again...

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    Don't ask me what I was doing looking around Mel C's official site, but I cannot believe she has a new single and album coming out! Woah man. How did that one happen?

    Latest news on the streets, is that she is planning an Aussie tour, come June. I will so be there.

    You see, the thing is - I feel slightly responsible for her run of bad luck the past few years. First of all, I wished her single and album would flop. And they did. And then I wished that she would be badly injured in an accident. And she WAS.

    So - THIS time, as an experiment, I am going to get 100% behind the Melanie C career. And we'll see how it pans out.

    So - my verdict on the new single, "Next Best Superstar". I could make SO many derogatory comments about that title. ('More like 1 MILLIONTH'), but I won't. Instead, I'm going to tell a blatant lie and, say that I LOVE it. I think it's a brilliant song. Really. It's just fantastic.

    All the best Melanie! We're behind ya mate!


    What Will The Neighbours Say?

    0 comments



    I acquired a copy of this about a fortnight ago but I haven't mentioned it, which it strange, considering I freaking love it.

    Top 5 Songs On W.W.T.N.S:

    1. Love Machine
    2. Hear Me Out
    3. Stand By Me
    4. Deadlines & Diets
    5. 100 Different Ways

    Yes - I love the ballads. In other shocking news, I might watch Neighbours tonight, and buy HiT tomorrow. (PERHAPS)


    Oh Fuck It,

    0 comments

    - I love Kate Ceberano.



    And I mean LOVE. Despite being a Cameronist, I'm even willing to overlook the scientology, she is so awesome.


    I wanna write my name on your t-shirt

    50 comments



    I'm a bit upset that Hannah from Whatever's Left fame says that loving "Right About Now" is wrong. Then again, she also said that Destiny's Child 'Soldier' is 'nothing to write home about'. That is not true, as I have written my mother several letters about it. And she'll also be receiving some about "Right About Now", until Cameron says loving it is wrong.

    Anyway, last night I dreamt I hated Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, and when I awoke - I didn't like it as much anymore. (Well done "subconscious"!) With this new frame of mind, my top 10 singles of the year so far are:

    1. Over - Lindsay Lohan
    2. Right About Now - Mousse T
    3. Mistaken Identity - Delta "Still Excellent" Goodrem
    4. Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - U2
    5. Almost Here - Brian McFadden & Delta "Always Brilliant" Goodrem
    6. Soldier - Destiny's Child
    7. I Just Wanna Live - Good Charlotte
    8. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
    9. Lift Me Up - Moby Rich Girl - Gwen Stefani
    10. LaLa - Ashlee Simpson


    After Watching Video Hits This Morning...

    1 comments



    RE: The Brian/Delta clip - Why didn't they just arrange a spot to meet?




    Top 5 Emotions I Felt While Watching Geri Halliwell's "Ride It" Video:

    1. Horror
    2. Embarrassment
    3. Shame
    4. Confusion
    5. Regret

    Oh my GOD - that film clip is a disaster. It made me so ashamed that Geri was my ultimate hero and life idol for so many years. I swear if that ever comes on the screen again, I will change the channel. I am not sitting through THAT again. (And she looks so fat...WHY WOULD YOU WEAR WHAT SHE WEARS IN THAT CLIP IF YOU LOOKED LIKE THAT).


    And, After Watching Rage Yesterday:



    I have a new favourite song: Right About Now - MOUSSE T. featuring EMMA LANFORD. I have no idea if this is acceptable within common society or not.


    Brit Of Alright:

    1 comments

    So, in the spirit of The Love Pavilion, here is my Brits 'coverage', three days after they actually happened.



    - Scissor Sisters' singing watermelons and dancing easter eggs deserve a mention, as does their giant pink chicken muppet and the talking barn. It's nice to see people dancing around like cocks at the Brit Awards again.
    - Unfortunately, we were lured into a false sense of security, because what followed Scissor Sisters ranged from bland (Keane), to dire (Joss Stone, who apparently has a hormone problem, given her acceptance speech upon winning 'Best Imitation of a Black Person' or whatever it was that she won), to downright incestuous (The Bedingfield Two duetting on 'Ain't Nobody' - this is a song about having sex! She's your sister! No! Don't hold her hand, you freak!).
    - I fear I'd go into meltdown if I even mentioned Robbie Williams and Joss Stone performing 'Angels'. So I won't, other than to say that it's about time Robert grew some hair, wrote some less whiney songs and went back to being a popstar again.
    - Kate was robbed.
    - No, seriously: Matt Lucas and David Walliams presenting Robbie's award as Gary Barlow and Howard Donald was funny, but surely seeing Kate Bush moving, on television, for the first time in three million years would have been more worthy of the occassion?
    - Girls Aloud were robbed.
    - Gwen's shoes were nice.
    - Lauren Laverne's voiceover was atrocious. I never thought someone so right could say something so wrong (Keane are going to be around in ten years time? As what?!).
    - It was nice to see Siouxsie Sioux presenting Scissor Sisters with the 'Best Album' award. It was especially nice to see Siouxsie Sioux presenting Scissor Sisters with the 'Best Album' award after having taken so many drugs. She was off her face, bless her!

    And that, as they say, is that.


    Apologies...

    0 comments

    ...for what I said yesterday.



    Boyd's eating disorder storyline is BRILLIANT. Reason:

    HE ONLY EATS NUTS ON MONDAYS.

    Because he's trying to cut down his nut intake. Who eats so many nuts they need to cut down their intake? Who cares about their nut intake! I literally cannot wait until someone offers me some nuts, so I can say 'I only eat them on a Monday.' OH, BOYD.

    I'm waiting with excitement to see what comedy diet instructions he come out with next. It is Food Mechanics!


    Day Break

    4 comments



    I have it on good authority that Will from out of Fop has gone crazy for Inaya Day's "Nasty Girl", but I promised to reserve full judgment until I read what the Bible's stance on it was.

    Inaya Day - Nasty Girl
    Yet another '80s dance cover, this at least takes the relatively obscure Prince penned Vanity 6 hit and give it a modern spruce up. 3 Stars
    CA 10:02

    Yeah...I'd have to agree. (I'M SORRY!)


    What Will The (World's Biggest) Neighbours (Fan) Say?

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    Well, I say - Neighbours is in terrible trouble. It currently has four storylines operating beneath the critical Life Mechanics level. The Life Mechanics level is the point at which anything lower should not be allowed on the show. They are:

  • Carmilla's Mum's "Super Conner Challenges"
    So bad. I don't even know what's going on here. Nor do I want to.

  • Summer "Rocky" Hoyland
    Summer punching another kid out WOULD have been hilarious, if it wasn't so completely retarded.

  • Boyd: Just For The Record
    If tonight's previews are to be believed, Boyd has developed a random eating disorder. Unless he's going through George Michael's bin looking for cake by the week's end, I can't see THIS being any good (whatsoever).

  • The end of "For Her" Magazine
    WHO CARES?




    And worst of all, Stu has become a proper blind person, with glasses and a cane and everything. The only good bit was last night when he tried (though unfortunately failed) to bash Conner with it.

    The only thing keeping this show watchable is the Paul and Izzy storyline. It's operating at the critical 'Karl & Sarah' level, at which point all crap storylines are counterbalanced by it's excellence.


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